When I was 20 years 9 months 3 days 1 hour and 55 minutes old, I journaled a paragraph of peak existential anxiety, hopes, and dreams, for the first time. Since then, I’ve had this ritual a couple more times at irregular intervals. Each of these time-marks have occurred at a pivotal socio-economic turn in my life. In the journal I’d pit “what I’m about to do” with “what I want to do” and haphazardly fantasize about how can I get to the latter. The “how” may elude me, but the “why” remains crystal clear. And so, this theme of yearning and introspection repeats itself, over and over again. But this time, I choose to mark it publicly, sharing my thoughts with a lovely small audience like yourself.
I do not want to start with a critique on the tussle between the struggles I face vs the choices I make. This time-mark will be about the state of my experience (another meta-critique on the world), how I feel about myself, and some fleeting reflections in between. Let’s whoosh through it without further a-duh.
For the past few years, I’ve been an IT guy, a bad developer in the capital city working for overseas clients. And, as my mother puts it, I cannot deny my roots from the small village of 10-15 farming families, where they were first-in-their-time, working relentlessly to transform our family into a non-farming semi-urban nucleus. Their unwavering dedication, from rigid values at times, provided for us, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
This is what has been my life from its outlook. When I think of what could’ve been, I also reflect on the possibility of different paths to being a different person along the way. We feel grief for the lives that we have missed to live, don’t we? And like any grieving person, I repeat to myself: “I’m the problem, it’s me”. It is baffling to me that as a species, thousands of years old, we haven’t evolved to cope with grief adequately. Or we have indeed evolved, but our focus seems to be fixed on the pursuit of joy and material gains, rather than grappling with the complexities of sorrow [Come on, why would I go to therapy if I can buy a packet of charas].
That brings us to the antidote. Which, by market demands I believe, is the joys of the life that we happen to be living in these times. Encompassing material possessions, physical pleasures, spiritual fulfillment, intellectual pursuits, and more. Everything is just an ad click away or 2kms. So, based on the delicate ratio of accumulated griefs and joys, you can deduce how risk-averse/friendly a person is, predict their market choices and make profit out of it. A fascinating theory, isn’t it, economists?
I hope this poor commentary gives you an idea of the lens with which I’ve been looking at life. Unlike my parents(who could only have family goals), I’ve had the privilege to develop individual aspirations. Just not enough to practice or express them out loud consistently. So, they have been there, in my dreams and fantasies, for a long time, while I worked on building a larger scaffolding of privilege around us.
This pursuit has surrounded me with dear humans of all kinds. And like everyone who is trying, I’m rooting for all of you in what you find meaning. Among us, I hold a special affinity for individuals who blend their academic pursuits with social endeavors. I loathe entitled cappies. Recently, what I dislike about all of us is the language that we wield. You see in our “educated” groups, we have developed a language of abstraction and nuance, even when it is aware of intersectionality and social justice, it often perpetuates the exclusion of those who lack access to this discourse or simply don’t know English.
What perpetuates this further and deeper is the device that you’re looking at right now. Read the following slowly: In the rise of “privately owned spaces which function as a new kind of public space”, the most private space, our phones are filled mostly with public data. We are constantly connected, but we barely wait to hear a bird not resembling our flock. We watch algorithm-curated collection of persons of same opinions as us or same humor as us. Which easily aligns with our pre-existing opinions, seeking cognitive ease and amusement in familiarity. Politicians know this. Large corporations know this. Both of them, often together, now have a say in what topics are relevant, what style is fashionable, what lingo is acceptable, who our friends are and whom can we cancel. No doubt, we are surprised when confronted with news, from the same land that we live on, that doesn’t fit neatly within our established language and narrative.
It is always hard to wrap our mind around such processes controlling our lives. Best tools are invisible like a car’s steering wheel. But when invisible tools in our hands are steering us farther apart from each other, it is often difficult to realize before it’s too late. It’s the machination in design of these tools that takes full advantage of the limits of our naturally selected cognitive abilities.
Recognizing this plight is the first step toward reclaiming my agency and fostering more inclusive dialogue. It requires actively seeking out diverse voices, questioning the algorithms that organize our information, and engaging with uncomfortable narratives that challenge our preconceived notions. It demands a willingness to listen, learn and grow.
I don’t know the entirety of the “what” and “how” of the solution. But I know “why”. Perhaps it lies in the age-old mantra: educate, agitate and organize. I’m going to try to combine my personal goals with my desire to create a better society that I hope will make a meaningful impact. As part of that effort, I am relaunching this web-space for the ninth time with renewed determination after spending 27 years 3 months 29 days 18 hours on this earth. This platform will serve as a place where knowledge of many people can be discovered, application methods can be created, impact can be measured and iterations can happen. In this process, this website is now available in Hindi also.
Thank you, reader.